HELLO!

Long time no blog...

The itch is coming back...

lots to say...lots to revamp

But no time...

Look out for 2010

"Justice can’t be reduced to a project, a protest or a crusade. Justice is a HEART."

                                        - Brian Houston- 
                                         taken from www.brianandbobbie.com

-an amazing truth. it is the attitude and mindset and often the choices we make-

  I have since actively sought counsel and re-adjustment, decided to refuse to live miserable or let it be a foothold in my life, by opening up and letting it out so I can be healed.....am glad that it is not a dead end road, struggling is better than giving up, I have an infinite source of wisdom and comfort to help me overcome. Thanks to the people (1 person in particular) who are insulating me and the God who is perfect.

 I'll leave it up as a part of my journal and journey...

Was sorting through some of my earlier posts...

I don't remember much of the stuff I wrote,
didn't realise that I was capable of some intelligent and passionate commentary,
didn't recognise the girl who wrote some of these stuff...

It took me back to day I 'finished' the bar.

"It ended on a rainy Friday late afternoon, where there was no one around, everyone mostly finished or gone...
somehow it should have ended on a beautiful spring sunny day, with everyone chatting and laughing outside at the gardens. somehow...
Perhaps I should have hang on to it more?..."

Oh, the bitter irony...now I know why it ended the way it did...its supposed to be a premonition...

 a sense of loss, insecurity for the unknown future, a feeling like everything is ending?

fast forward nearly two years, the future is still unknown, I'm still here, in this cage I somehow built myself in, and its an ending that doesn't seem like it will ever end.

That day should have been an introduction, things ended, the season is now over, the credits rolled, but i'm still there...doing reruns without the atmospheric naiveness and cute little 'wondering about the future' quips anymore.
No more melodrama, just reality is enough.
and no, I never caught up...

In here I wrote,

"It's easy to do be negative...just do NOTHING. Guaranteed success!"

while my mind still agrees with that, and I've been trying to claw my way out again and again... how come I still feel like im sinking under weight of the world? So what if I'm positive...am I not just lying to myself?!! At least doing nothing will be bring disappointment.

"Passion, 
     its there....just which direction?"

I believe and still do believe with all my heart how privileged it is to have passion and to choose passion, but I feel like its all but left me drained when I can't seem to find out how/where to apply it. And I envy at the same time those who did succeed and those who don't have it.

It all seems slightly foreign now...my world now revolves around my own pathetic self...
choked up to here with my own drama...drowning in my struggle to crawl out of the real imaginary black hole.
heh, drama queen?
it is my everyday reality...

I'm so tired,

of hating me
of being angry
of being frustrated
of being helpless
of being confused
of being tired
of being sad
of standing still
of saying these words...

I have no drive to match whatever passion I might have left,
too much disillusionment to pursue any idealism,
I just can't get over my sad self enough to serve and love others.
too many leaks and broken parts that overrides my will to fight,
no idea what's the point at the end of the struggling...
too sick of the same spot, the same view, the same failures, the same results over and over again...
if you don't know why you're winning what you're winning for, it's just stupid.

I will probably regret writing this tomorrow, I will be anxious and tempted to take this down because this is not who I am and not who I want to be...I will try and deny these thoughts entrance into my conscience...but ultimately, it is there...lurking...and when my other self is not looking, it'll come, surely...

But I have to acknowledge this part of me, this incoherent, unrefined, unruly, unhinged and uncontrollable part of my mind...where the world is only grey, and it is silent apart from my own voice...where I have shared with no one the full depths of its darkness...where it is at constant battle against everything I believe in, trying its damndest to corrode the pillars i've built...

Where I'm this close to the edge, and.....